Finding Out - 6 Weeks Pregnant

2 days after I found out we were pregnant I had a nightmare. 

I had a dream that I was losing the baby. 

I woke up in a panic. 

After realizing it was just a dream, I felt some relief. 

When I first found out we were pregnant we still didn't have our health insurance yet. 

With Joe and I just relocating, our insurance wasn't due to kick in for a few more days. 

As soon as I got insurance I called the doctor to make an appointment but the receptionist told me they wouldn't schedule me until I had my insurance card, could provide them with all insurance information, and that I also had to wait until I was 7-9 weeks pregnant. 

My heart sank. 

When I was 19 years old, I thought I was ready to be a mother. 

You know, 19, you clearly know everything. 

And I successfully got pregnant probably a week after "trying."

And at 7 weeks, I lost the baby. 

It was probably one of the most difficult things I have been through. 

It tops any grief I have ever felt. 

Even at 19. 

I remember, it was like 6 months later and I was still crying myself to sleep at night. 

I just felt this huge void. 

Now, I am 27, married, truly in love and truly want this child.

I have no fears on how I will provide for the child. 

I have no fears on if my relationship will truly last. 

I have no fears on my capability to be a mother. A real GOOD mother. 

I don't know if I could physically or mentally deal with the pain of having a miscarriage. 

I am in such a different place now that I almost feel it would be unbearable. 

So for the doctors office to tell me I need to wait… let's just say I was just about willing to fudge on when I thought I conceived (even though I knew the exact date) just so I could get in and ensure my little embryo had a heart beat. 

I needed that peace of mind. 

On My 2nd Wedding anniversary I was able to make an appointment successfully. I think I lied a bit on the days and told her I was already 6 weeks when in reality I was 5 weeks and 4 days, just so she would get me in the following week. 

And she did. 

My appointment was officially set for Tuesday, April 14th.

I can't say the time from when I found out I was pregnant --> up until that appointment was enjoyable for me. 

I think I spent more time being paranoid about having a miscarriage than relishing in the fact that I had a tiny human growing inside of me. 

Every cramp I had - my heart would sink. 

Every time I used the bathroom, I was dreading seeing a miscarriage. 

The only thing that kept me sane was my boobs aching so incredibly bad and the serious fatigue. 

I kept saying to myself, your nipples feel like they're about to fall out, so you must be ok. He or she MUST be ok. 

The moments leading up to that ultrasound were beyond nerve wracking. 

Joe and I were together and we were laughing in the waiting room together. 

And I am so thankful for that. 

You never get called back when your appointment is actually scheduled. 

I just had a lot of anxiety. 

I was terrified my first ultrasound of this baby would be like my last and I would go home devastated. 

I heard my name and we hustled back to the ultrasound room. 

She have me my cheap ass paper garment to cover up my lady bits with and said she would be back. 

I think she was gone for 2 minutes. 

And in that 2 minutes, I managed to sweat through the fucking table paper thingie. 

No, I am not kidding. 

I was so damn nervous. 

She started the ultrasound. 

My eyes were feverishly scanning the black and white snowy tv. 

I spotted my wittle tiny dot. 

And then I saw a flickering light. 

In that one tiny second I had so much hope. 

"Is that the heart beat? Please tell me that's a heart beat!"

"Yes, thats it" and she pointed exactly to where my eyes were locked. 

I felt so much relief. 

I welled up a bit. But then I thought. Don't you dare, you sap. 

This is a great moment but don't go getting all hormonal. Not now. It's too god damn early to be a crier. 

I had to wait to see the doc afterwards but the worst part… the waiting part… was finally over. 

I had a little black and white picture of this thing that was probably the size of a poppy seed in my hand. 

And it had a heart beat.

That was all I cared about.