5 letters, 2 phone calls, 2 photos

I never truly understood what it was life for military families. 

In fact, a few people I am facebook friends have family members that serve - although appreciative that their loved ones gave up their own freedoms to defend my own- I found it annoying that their sisters, mothers, brothers constantly wrote on a public forum about every little detail. 

Well, now I am one of those family members & I completely get it. 

And I feel horrible for ever judging them for their need to post ever little detail. 

Ever letter, every phone call, every picture that is posted online by their Sergeant, all those small little things are the glimmer of hope that your loved one is well, is happy... is safe. 

Since my brother left August 5th, I have received 5 letters, 2 phone calls (one lasted about 36 seconds), and have seen 2 photos posted of him on his platoons facebook page. That is the extent of the contact I have had with my brother in over a month. 

So those 9 outlets I have received are beyond exciting to me. 

They're a little piece of family. A little piece of peace. 

Checking the mail box isn't such a daunting task anymore. 

I know I am not only receiving God awful credit card statements, but there could be a letter tucked in there somewhere. 

And when there is, I cant get my ass through my front door and tear into it fast enough. 

And when there isn't, my heart sinks a little. 

But then in the back of my mind, I just hope that the next day leads to a letter. 

A little piece of family tucked away in my mail box. 

It sounds incredibly corny. 

And that's ok. 

I don't ever expect anyone to truly understand the magnitude of emotions that come with being a military family member. 

There are moments of extreme excitement and bliss and then there a full blown days of utter sadness. 

My sisters birthday for example; 

I just could not get my shit together that day. I did fine on my own birthday without him. 

I did fine on his birthday 2 days prior to hers without him here. 

But on my sisters birthday, I lost my shit.

It started when a song by SafetySuit played into my ears while a work. 

And such a vivid memory came into my head of him and I riding in his Scion with him singing his heart out to that song. 

If you know Jake, you know how much he LOVES to sing.. 

And it broke my heart. 

I know he doesn't get his music in basic and he has written several times how much he misses it. 

So I sang the song to myself... at my cubicle... for him.

It also didn't help that "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw followed... which is a song about a solider who dies at war. 

Not exactly what I wanted to hear while already teary eyed after singing to myself a song that reminded me of my brother just moments before. 

I cried. At work. 

I am thankful no one knew. But had someone noticed- I wouldn't have been embarrassed. 

And then I lost it on the way home from work. 

And not just for 5 minutes. 

For the entire ride. 

I had my ugly cry face on the whole way home. 

And then I cried again on the way to my sisters birthday gathering right in front of my husband. 

He grabbed my hand, rubbed it, and just let me sob. 

It just apparently was one of those days where I missed him much much more than I knew. 

So, I guess my point to this never ending rant is: 

When you see my posts day after day, please don't be annoyed like I once was. 

I am sure seeing me freak over a letter every time to you seems old news. 

I am honest when I say that before this experience, I was that asshole who didn't get why that family member felt the need to tell us "Hey my loved one wiped his ass today."

But, that ass wiping story is the only highlight we get. 

It's the only piece of "home" we get. 

This is what we wait for.... 

Jake is the one directing the gunman. 

3rd row, 4th guy in with the water bottle in his mouth.