Self Worth

Lately, I have been feeling down. Not myself is probably a better word. 

And on my break I headed over to read Mama Laughlins Blog

She had this posting about 'Self Worth.'

If you don't know who or don't read Mama Laughlins page, you really should.

She is a woman from Dallas blogging about her life, her weight loss struggle all while raising a family.

I think I like her so much because she writes some real shit.

Not fluffy shit people want to hear. But just the truth.

 

Anyways, after reading her blog that day, I literally had tears in my eyes.

Maybe that's lame. But it truly got me thinking that self worth is something I am lacking lately.

It's no ones fault other than my own.

 

In the beginning it started about how one of her readers husbands had admitted to her that he was no longer attracted to her anymore because she had gained weight.

I'm sure you're thinking, "What kind of douche bag husband would say such a thing?"

But honestly, I was thinking- "Shit, I hope my husband doesn't secretly feel that way about ME."

 

When I first met my husband I was at most 110lbs. AT MOST.

And I felt unstoppable. I felt sexy. I felt desired.

And today, the scale creeps between 135 and 140.

Everyday I feel some level of disgust when I see the scale.

I get it, it's a number, but it's a number I have never seen before.

And I surely don't like how the number looks on me.

[Side note: For those thinking "Seriously, that bitch is complaining about 140." On my tiny 5'3" frame, 140 is on the thicker side of things. And personally I prefer being toned and on the smaller side for 5'3" ]

 

 

Everyday I wake up and think, today is the day I am going to do something about it.

Most days I have been going to the gym and doing my cardio and some lifting here and there.

Nothing has changed. Nothing.

Naturally, I become discouraged and take steps backwards.

I eat my feelings and then I sort of feel guilty about it.

It's a nasty cycle.

 

One of the things Mama Laughlin mentioned in her blog was how she never questioned her husband.

She naturally did what she was told. Never going against him.

Now I am not saying I don't question my husband, or challenge him... but I definitely feel I let things slide all together in my life as a whole.

Career wise- I love my job. It's great. Don't get me wrong. But is NOT what I envisioned for myself.

It is not my dream job by any means.

I find I have become complacent where things were once driving me.

Married life is fantastic but I have become a lazy wife too. I don't do for my husband the way I should. Or the way IIIIII feel I should.

Family wise- I tell myself all the time I am so swamped with everything else in life that I am forgetting to stop and smell the roses. To spend time with FAMILY. After all, they are what is most important to me in life.

My brother is leaving for the military in a few weeks and I am already wishing I spent MORE time with him.

Granted I cant help that I work everyday until 4:30 or that I literally have a wedding every single freakin weekend this summer, but I could sure as hell try a lot harder or put him before some of these other things going on in my life at the moment.

 

I feel the insecurities within myself are severely hindering me as a human being, as a sister, as a wife and as a daughter.

I am sitting her writing this and it's a small realization that I am allowing my weight effect me so much so that I have just allowed everything important to me fall way side.

All most as I am not deserving of it because I am unhappy with myself.

 

Mama Laughlin finishes off her post by stating that after losing the weight she found her again.

I am hoping that will happen for me.

That after enough hard work, I will find me again.