Finding Out - 6 Weeks Pregnant

2 days after I found out we were pregnant I had a nightmare. 

I had a dream that I was losing the baby. 

I woke up in a panic. 

After realizing it was just a dream, I felt some relief. 

When I first found out we were pregnant we still didn't have our health insurance yet. 

With Joe and I just relocating, our insurance wasn't due to kick in for a few more days. 

As soon as I got insurance I called the doctor to make an appointment but the receptionist told me they wouldn't schedule me until I had my insurance card, could provide them with all insurance information, and that I also had to wait until I was 7-9 weeks pregnant. 

My heart sank. 

When I was 19 years old, I thought I was ready to be a mother. 

You know, 19, you clearly know everything. 

And I successfully got pregnant probably a week after "trying."

And at 7 weeks, I lost the baby. 

It was probably one of the most difficult things I have been through. 

It tops any grief I have ever felt. 

Even at 19. 

I remember, it was like 6 months later and I was still crying myself to sleep at night. 

I just felt this huge void. 

Now, I am 27, married, truly in love and truly want this child.

I have no fears on how I will provide for the child. 

I have no fears on if my relationship will truly last. 

I have no fears on my capability to be a mother. A real GOOD mother. 

I don't know if I could physically or mentally deal with the pain of having a miscarriage. 

I am in such a different place now that I almost feel it would be unbearable. 

So for the doctors office to tell me I need to wait… let's just say I was just about willing to fudge on when I thought I conceived (even though I knew the exact date) just so I could get in and ensure my little embryo had a heart beat. 

I needed that peace of mind. 

On My 2nd Wedding anniversary I was able to make an appointment successfully. I think I lied a bit on the days and told her I was already 6 weeks when in reality I was 5 weeks and 4 days, just so she would get me in the following week. 

And she did. 

My appointment was officially set for Tuesday, April 14th.

I can't say the time from when I found out I was pregnant --> up until that appointment was enjoyable for me. 

I think I spent more time being paranoid about having a miscarriage than relishing in the fact that I had a tiny human growing inside of me. 

Every cramp I had - my heart would sink. 

Every time I used the bathroom, I was dreading seeing a miscarriage. 

The only thing that kept me sane was my boobs aching so incredibly bad and the serious fatigue. 

I kept saying to myself, your nipples feel like they're about to fall out, so you must be ok. He or she MUST be ok. 

The moments leading up to that ultrasound were beyond nerve wracking. 

Joe and I were together and we were laughing in the waiting room together. 

And I am so thankful for that. 

You never get called back when your appointment is actually scheduled. 

I just had a lot of anxiety. 

I was terrified my first ultrasound of this baby would be like my last and I would go home devastated. 

I heard my name and we hustled back to the ultrasound room. 

She have me my cheap ass paper garment to cover up my lady bits with and said she would be back. 

I think she was gone for 2 minutes. 

And in that 2 minutes, I managed to sweat through the fucking table paper thingie. 

No, I am not kidding. 

I was so damn nervous. 

She started the ultrasound. 

My eyes were feverishly scanning the black and white snowy tv. 

I spotted my wittle tiny dot. 

And then I saw a flickering light. 

In that one tiny second I had so much hope. 

"Is that the heart beat? Please tell me that's a heart beat!"

"Yes, thats it" and she pointed exactly to where my eyes were locked. 

I felt so much relief. 

I welled up a bit. But then I thought. Don't you dare, you sap. 

This is a great moment but don't go getting all hormonal. Not now. It's too god damn early to be a crier. 

I had to wait to see the doc afterwards but the worst part… the waiting part… was finally over. 

I had a little black and white picture of this thing that was probably the size of a poppy seed in my hand. 

And it had a heart beat.

That was all I cared about. 

Finding Out We Were Pregnant!

This post includes information that some may consider TMI, such as peeing. 

Should you have an issue, discontinue reading. 

The night of March 26th, Joe looked at me and said "You're pregnant this time. I just know it."  

I looked back at him with a crazy look and said "No way." 

He bet me something.. probably dinner.. and I went to go take a pregnancy test right before bed. 

But I had JUST gone to the bathroom and couldn't go to save my life. 

I set a test in the bathroom, figuring when I get up in the morning I will have it ready and I will take it then. 

Fast forward to 3:51am (I know the time because I wear a Fitbit and use its glow at night to light the path to the bathroom).  

Mother nature calls. 

I get up and stumble my way into the bathroom. 

Normally, I pee with the lights off but I didn't want to miss the stick so I hesitantly turned all the lights on…. Ughhhh. 

I took the test. 

Sat there. 

And this is what  I saw. 

I had to rub my eyes… no, not in the figurative way. 

I legit had to rub my eyes because I wasn't sure if I was truly reading "Pregnant." I mean, at 4 am, I was in a fog. 

Nope, it really did say pregnant. 

I walked out of the bathroom and went to wake up Joe. 

I nudged him and he just pulls the blankets over his head and rolls over. 

"Joe, I am pregnant. Like for real."

I was standing there with my pee stick all excited and he just groans. 

I'm like for reallll bro?

I pulled the covers off of him. 

"Joe, I am pregnant. Did you hear what I said? I'm pregnant." Holding my pee stick so proudly.

He looked so confused. I thought for sure I would've gotten an "I told you so" out of him almost instantly. 

I think once it hit him and the confusion of being woken up by your wife at 4am with a bathroom light halo around her wore off he realized he was going to be a Dad. 

Needless to say, I couldn't fucking sleep after that. 

I mean how can you when you have the wonderful world of Pinterest out there?

I sat online until my alarm went off for work pinning to my secret Babies Pinterest board. 

I took another test later that day. Just to make sure the first one wasn't some crazy false positive (which I later read is VERY uncommon). 

It came out positive too. 

So yay for us. 

Kindness Ideas

Last month I wrote about doing #365daysofkindness

As the new year is fast approaching, I thought I would share a list of some ideas that we could tackle this coming year in 2015. 

1) Go through a drive through and pay for the car behind you. 

2) Send an encouraging card to a complete stranger. 

3) Donate items to a local food bank or shelter. 

4) Volunteer at a homeless shelter or any shelter. 

5) Give your mail carrier a gift card to thank them for their hard work. 

6) Bake some goodies and bring them to your local fire hall, police station or other public service workers. 

7) Go to a laundry mat and place some money on top of a washer or dryer. 

8) Donate towels, food, toys, blankets to your local animal shelter. 

9) Spend some time on Go Fund Me & donate to someone who touches your heart. 

10) Open the door for a complete stranger and tell them to have a nice day. 

11) Do something nice for your spouse. 

12) Do something out of the ordinary for a loved one. 

13) Spend an hour of your time volunteering at a nursing home & play some games with some of the residents. 

14) Start a canned food drive at your work to bring to a shelter. 

15) Send birthday cards to family members & friends. 

16) In the express lane at a grocery check out, offer to pay for someone who has a few items. 

17) During Valentines Day week, send valentines to a nursing home. 

18) Volunteer at your local Veterans Hospital. 

19) Send a care package to a soldier overseas. 

20) Make up some care packages to keep in your car to hand out to homeless as you pass them by on the streets. 

21) Encourage others to join this movement. 

22) Tape $5 to a gas pump. 

23) Tape some popcorn to a redbox machine. 

24) Tape money to a vending machine. 

25) Tape money to a parking machine/meter. 

26) Send get well mail to a sick child. 

27) Donate baby supplies to your local NICU. 

28) Do something out of the ordinary for someone who has impacted your life & let them know how much you appreciate them for it. 

29) Send a thank you email to an old school teacher or professor who impacted your life. 

30) Pay for lunch for a good friend or coworker. 

31) Make a care package or donate food to your local Ronald McDonald house. 

32) Make a homemade meal for a family or friend to show them you care. 

33) During Easter or the Month of April, hand out chocolate eggs that have a tag that reads "Have an Egg-celent day" 

34) Donate old magazines or a deck of cards to your local hospital. 

35) Offer to walk your neighbors dogs. 

36) Send shoes to an orphanage in another country. 

37) Walk for a cause - Relay for Life etc. 

38) Pay for a strangers coffee at a cafe. 

39) Buy the office receptionist some flowers just to say thank you. 

40) Help an elderly person with their groceries. 

41) Pay for a service members lunch or coffee. 

42) Each time you buy a new piece of clothing, give away something old. 

43) Bring in breakfast to share with the office. 

44) Help a friend pack or move. 

45) Leave a generous tip for a waiter who did a great job. 

46) Listen to someone attentively who needs to vent. 

47) Pass along a great book that you have finished reading. 

48) Donate old books to a nursing home, hospital, church or wherever you see fit. 

49) Encourage a friend to make a leap of faith. 

50) Call someone just to tell then you love them. 

51) Write a note of appreciation to your colleague. 

52) Gift someone with a journal where they can write their own reflections. 

53) Participate in a park or neighborhood clean up. 

54) Send a thank you card to someone who helped you when you really needed it. 

55) Send a card with a beautiful message to a friend or co worker anonymously. 

56) Become a mentor for a child. 

57) Get children excited about kindness. 

58) Pick up litter at a public place. 

59) Smile at a stranger. 

60) Give a sincere compliment. 

61) Read to a child. 

62) Refrain from gossiping about something. 

63) Become a pen pal. 

64) Donate blood. 

65) Start a kinds book and pass it around. On the very last page of the book, have them mail it back to you so you can reflect on other peoples good deeds. 

66) Contact an animal shelter & find out what donations they need & collect those items to donate. 

67) Stop and help someone who is broken down on the side of the road. 

68) Leave flowers for someone anonymously. 

69) Leave an encouraging note for someone you know is or was having a tough day or week. 

70) Treat a friend to a movie for no reason. 

71) Let someone jump in front of you at a line. 

72) Help someone with children at an airport, maybe with their bags or stroller or whatever they may be struggling with. 

73) Make a CD for an old friend with songs that remind you of your friendship with the. 

74) Befriend a new coworker. 

75) Renew an old friendship by sending a letter to say hi. 

76) Give a bag of groceries to a homeless person 

77) Offer to babysit for free. 

78) Volunteer for a non-profit organization. 

79) Volunteer at a hospice center 

80) Put a smiley face post it on someones desk. 

81) Buy a lottery ticket for a stranger. 

82) Bring soup to a friend with a cold. 

83) Tip the garbage man. 

84) Donate some school supplies to a school with under-privileged children. 

85) When you see someone else doing a small act of kindness, acknowledge them for it. 

86) Do your best to prevent bullying. Stand up for something you see that is wrong. 

87) If you see someone crying, stop and ask if there is anything you can do.. and genuinely mean it when you ask them. 

88) Wake up early & make your spouse breakfast in bed. 

89) Return a lost item if you find it. 

90) Start a coin jar & when its full, donate the money to a charity. 

91) Buy a phone card & give it to someone who is less fortunate. 

92) Stay after a holiday party and help clean up. 

93) Buy ice-cream for a kid. 

94) Encourage someone to pursue their dreams. 

95) Subscribe someone to their favorite magazine. 

96) Let go of a grudge. 

97) Say a prayer for someone in need. 

98) Write a referral for someone on LinkedIn. 

99) Randomly hand out balloons to children in a park. 

100) Sign up to be an organ donor. 

101) Hide an inspiring note in a library book. 

102) Donate coloring books and crayons to a children's hospital. 

103) Clean up someone else's mess. 

104) Be kind to someone you don't like. 

105) Buy a homeless person a sandwich. 

106) Bake cookies and share them with family and friends. 

107) Make a new friend. 

108) Attend an important event to support your loved one (even if you're not interested in it). 

109) Share a positive blog post 

110) Share your snack. 

111) Leave a nice note on a strangers car. 

112) Thank your boss for their leadership. 

113) Forgive yourself for something you regret. 

114) Offer to take a picture for someone when you see them  trying to take the picture themselves. 

115) Let your spouse have control of the remote for the evening. 

116) Help a kid with their homework. 

117) Pay for a round of shots at happy hour. 

118) Photocopy some jokes & leave them on some peoples windshields. 

119) If you stay at a friends house, leave a little thank you gift behind. 

120) Teach a child something you wish you knew at their age. 

I can't take credit for all of these great ideas. I used google. 

But, you get the idea. 

Now let's start off 2015 with some KINDNESS!!! Be sure to tag your ideas on the Facebook page & Instagram using the hashtag #365daysofkindness 

Our Bucket List & #365daysofkindness

Last time I wrote, it was just shy of a year ago. 

I have a lot of plans for the next year and I figured I should start documenting them. 

After I lost my Grandma I started thinking of ways I could make my life better. How I could change other peoples lives. 

This is what I came up with. 

I plan on starting a movement. 

I want to complete 

#365daysofkindness 

So everyday, in 2015, I am planning to do something nice for someone else. It can be something as small as saying "Thank you so much" or something larger like handing out care packages to homeless, or volunteering my time.

I plan on documenting my acts of kindness on social media… whether it be here on my blog, on the Facebook page I created, or on my Instagram @ wisdomfromawichman

I encourage everyone to join in with me. 

After losing my Grandma, I also realized life is WAY too short to not set goals for myself. 

My husband and I have taken the last few days to sit down and go over things we really want to do with our lives before we leave this Earth. 

Things we would be sad we didn't get to do. 

A lot of it is travel. We both really love to travel. 

I personally think the best way to broaden your knowledge on the world is to experience it first hand. 

I have been very fortunate to have seen Rome, London, Paris & several parts of Germany in the last few years and I can only hope that I will be blessed enough to continue to see the world. 

So, this is our bucket list. 

I am sure with time things will get completed & new things will be added. But I think this is a hefty start! 

1. Rome, Italy - completed. 

2. London, England- completed. 

3. Paris, France- completed. 

4. Visit Cancun, Mexico- which we may never do if it continues to be this unsafe.

5. Visit Grand Canyon 

6. Visit Dominican Republic (I have completed but Joe has not, so hey, let's go again).

7. Visit Capri, Italy

8. Visit Spain 

9. Sky diving 

10. Live in another State. 

11. Go to a Chris Brown Concert. 

12. Go to an Ed Sheeran Concert. 

13. Own a corvette 

14. Visit Bora Bora. 

15. Have children. 

16. Build our dream home.

17. Retire early. 

18. Spend a summer abroad.

19. Travel to all 50 States. 

20. Visit the US Virgin Islands. 

21. Visit the Maldives. 

22. Visit Scottland and see the Fairy Pools. 

23. Visit Prague. 

24. Visit Greece 

25. See the Mendenhall Ice Caves of Juneau in Alaska 

26. Visit Australia

27. See the Marble Caves at General Carrera Lake in Argentina 

28. Visit Dubai 

29. Buy a Louis Vuitton 

30. See the Antelope Canyon in Arizona. 

31. Go to the Cherry Blossom Festival in Japan.

32. Go to the Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington DC. 

33. See a drive in movie together 

34. Visit Thailand. 

35. Elephant ride in Thailand. 

36. Run a successful blog 

37. #365daysofkindess 

38. Go on a RV camping trip through the USA.

39. See the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

40. New Years Eve in NYC. 

41. Learn a new dance together. 

42. Go on a game show. 

43. Shower in a waterfall. 

44. Spend New Years in an exotic location. 

45. Find a job we love. 

46. Go on a hot air balloon ride. 

47. Visit the Statute of Liberty & Ellis Island. 

48. Run a marathon (JOE)

49. Try a famous Cronut

50. Give a shelter pet a home.

51. See the Victoria Secret Fashion show in person 

52. Visit "Real" Santa in Finland. 

53. Celebrate our 50th Wedding Anniversary. 

54. Attend the Kentucky Derby and bet on it. 

55. See a Broadway musical. 

56. Tour Googleplex. 

57. Take a gondola ride in Venice, Italy

58. Go zip lining. 

59. See the Hollywood Sign

60. Go on a Haunted Mansion Tour in California 

61. Float in the Dead Sea. 

62. Own a Vespa 

63. Go to the Olympics 

64. Visit a chocolate factory 

65. Soak in the Hot Springs in Iceland (Blue Lagoon)

66. See Andrea Bocelli live 

67. See the fireworks over Cinderella's Castle. 

68. Prepare a care package for the homeless 

69. Visit San Alfonso Del Mar, Chile 

70. See the Northern Lights 

71. Go to Disney Land in California & Lego Land 

72. Visit Machu Picchu, Peru 

73. Visit Iguazu Falls, Argentina 

74. Visit Taj Mahal, India 

75. Eat at a restaurant from Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives 

76. Write and publish a book 

77. Join a cooking class 

78. Learn a new instrument. 

79. Volunteer at a hospice care facility 

80. Go horseback riding together. 

81. Be a mentor 

82. Go on a wine tour. 

83. Further our education

84. Organize a picnic outing with friends. 

85. Visit an active volcano 

86. Take a helicopter ride 

87. Go on a river cruise 

88. Learn another language. 

89. Go grape stomping. 

90. Attend a music festival 

91. Visit the Galapagos Islands 

92. Go to The Ellen Show 

93. Unplug for 48 hours 

94. Airboat through an alligator infested swamp 

95. See the Tunnel of Lights in Japan

96. Walk the Golden Gate Bridge 

97. Research the family tree 

98. Renew our vows in Vegas.

99. Learn pole dancing

100. Visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 

101. Make a time capsule with our children

102. Go skinny dipping 

103. Stand on the equator

Here's to a lifetime of goals! 

Lazy Saturday

A week ago yesterday we added a new member to the family. 

Everyone, meet Remington aka Remi

Our friends dogs had an accidental liter and well, here she is. 

The first night was interesting. She cried and cried. Which broke my heart. But she has the hang of it now. 

We're crate training her. 

She still isn't 100% in love with the crate, but we just got her a new one and I think she will be more comfortable in that tonight. I guess we will find out. 

She is otherwise an incredibly sweet girl. 

A little mouthy- in the sense that she bites and chews and tries to eat our carpet. 

But we signed her up for puppy classes, so hopefully we can get all that in check! 

Charles is doing great with her. 

He lets her know he's the man. But, surprisingly, he hasn't ripped her head off like I thought he might. 

He has been more snuggly with me. Which I am grateful for. 

Little shit never wanted to snuggle me! 

He is laying at my feet as I type!

I also think more trips to the pet store are in order. 

We took the two of them there today and they have done nothing but nap all damn day. 

I think seeing all the other dogs, being "aww"ed at and pet by complete strangers tired them out. 

I like them tired out. teehee!

Hubs and I watched We're the Millers tonight on our apple tv. 

Funniest. Movie. 

Seriously, I couldn't stop laughing. 

You all should see it. 

And probably watch it again if you already have. 

It helps that Jennifer Aniston plays a hot stripper. 

She sure has aged well. 

4 days until Christmas!

Happy Holidays :-)

Nah, fuck that. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! 

Spreading Kindness this Holiday Season

Friday morning my husband and I went out early to shovel the driveway. 

Normally I don't help with shoveling/snow blowing, but our snow blower belt broke and I figured it would be much faster if I went out and helped the best I could (I can't do too much because I have a bad back). 

Maybe 45 seconds had gone by and a man with a plow drove up into our driveway and plowed for us. 

I asked my husband to run in and find some cash. 

When he tried to pay the guy (who we found out was actually a neighbor), his response was "You didn't ask me to do it. Just go get ready for work." 

He finished plowing and headed out. 

Throughout the day the snow just kept coming. 

And as I was just finishing up cleaning off my car, the woman parked next to me came out. 

Her car completely covered in ice & snow. 

My car was all ready to go. Warmed up, deiced & cleared off. 

But it was nasty out. 

Thinking back to that morning, when I needed to get ready for work, someone was kind enough to take the time to help me.

I thought, this is my time to return the favor to someone else. 

I am sure she wanted to get home... or at the very least, get into a warm car. 

So, I helped clean off her car. We chipped away at the thick ice together. 

She thanked me several times and said I didn't need to help her. 

I simply explained that someone that same morning had helped me and it's the right thing to help others out. I just asked that she do something kind for someone else. 

It's the holidays. 

It's a time where we should be slowing down. 

Enjoying our friends and family. 

And helping others. 

I don't know if it's because of my brother moving away and joining the military that has cleared up my mind, but now more than ever, I want to help spread happiness and joy to others. 

And the holiday is the perfect time to start. 

Kindness is infectious. 

That one kind gesture that started in my driveway, and continued on into my work parking lot, and then onto who knows where, is a start to a beautiful cycle. 

If only more people were willing to stop and help others. 

Could you imagine what the world could become?

This holiday season, I urge everyone to do one kind thing for a stranger.

Or maybe a co worker who is having a hard time or is over worked. 

Or a family member who is stressed out with their kids and hasn't had a date night with their spouse in weeks. 

I can guarantee your unexpected, spontaneous, genuine act of kindness will start to spread a cycle of pure joy. 

And isn't that the best gift you could give to someone this time of year?

** Special Thank You to the incredibly generous and kind stranger that bought my brother his Starbucks in the airport in between flights after his leave. It is your act of kindness that has humbled my heart. And I know my brother appreciated it too. 

*** Special Thank You to a friend who was kind enough to send my family & I well wishes this season. 

"Meghan you always have the greatest posts! I enjoy following your page! Keep it up! We are praying for you and your brother and family this holiday season! We thank him for supporting our country and freedoms and we thank your family for supporting him! God bless and happy holidays!"

THANK YOU JACKIE. 

Until Next Time....

My last blog was about saying "see yah later" to Jake. 

However, I got ANOTHER surprise. 

Monday came and he decided instead of flying to Kentucky he would stay home for his full 10 day leave. 

He called his duty station and whoever he talked to there basically told him he may not get to come home at Christmas time and it would probably be in his best interest to stay home. 

So he did. 

I am very thankful for the extra time with my brother. 

During the day Monday, I called off my regular 9-5 job because I anticipated taking him to the airport.

I didn't want to miss seeing him off to his next venture. 

But like I said, he decided to stay home. 

So I went into my night job still. 

Tuesday & Wednesday I didn't see him at all. 

I figured everyone had been up his ass the whole weekend because we didn't think we would get much time with him. 

So, now that we had more time, I wanted him to just relax. Sit on the couch. Play Xbox. Love his friends. Love time all alone. 

Just sit around and be a normal 20 year old kid with minimal responsibilities for a few days. 

Thursday was awesome. 

Amanda's family invited us out to dinner at this amazing restaurant, Compane Bistro. 

Delicious food if you're in the area. 

We celebrated their engagement and met her family for the first time. 

I have to say, they're amazing people. 

It was so nice to sit at a table and feel so much love and support for Jake and Amanda. 

I love Amanda. Very very much. 

She is such a phenomenal woman. 

How many people can say that at 20 years old, they were ready to be completely selfless and stand by their man while they sacrificed their own life & freedom to defend our country?

A service member with a full support system is ideal. 

In Jakes case, I can say I am truly thankful to have SO many people standing behind him.

Including Amanda and her family. 

They're such wonderful people. 

And I now understand where her unconditional love and support comes from. 

My favorite brother & I.

The newly engaged couple & myself.

On Friday after work, I met up with my brother to head over to our grandparents house. 

They really wanted to see him one last time before he left for Kentucky. 

It was nice just hanging out and spending time with them. 

After our grandparents house, Jake headed to the tattoo shop. 

Our entire family is tattooed at Physical Graffiti by Gooch. BEST tattoo artist. Ever. 

Gooch was kind enough to cancel two of his appointments to get my brother in before he left. 

Thank You Gooch for taking the time to get Jake in. 

My brother got a sick tattoo. It's a start to what I can only assume will turn into another sleeve piece. 

Finished product. 

It came out awesome. 

After the tattoo we all met back at my Moms house and just hung out. 

Justin (Jakes long time best friend), Amanda, Joey (my hubs) and myself just hung out and had a few drinks. 

My mom and step dad came home after the hospitals holiday party and joined in. 

We just hung out. Laughed and had a nice night. 

And then today came. And it came way too fast. 

I feel like I get quiet on days like today. 

Where I have to say goodbye. 

I just kind of sat on the couch. 

I didn't say too too much.  

Putting on his boots

Snuggling his puppy before he has to leave.

My Mom, Paul, Joe, Kayla, Jason, Amanda and myself headed to the airport to see him off. 

We were fortunate enough to get boarding passes to get through security to see him to the gate. 

However, poor Amanda left her ID at the house and wasn't able to go back. 

We stayed out behind security until the last possible second. 

The airport wasn't very busy today so we got through security pretty quickly. 

As we walked toward the gate, Joe, Jason & Amanda came to the glass to see him off one last time. 

Saying good bye to his future wife through the glass.

As I walked down concourse B, tears started welling. 

I did not want to do this again. 

The memories from Syracuse started to all flood back. 

It was a quiet walk. 

I just wanted to stop and hug him. 

But I kept walking. 

I knew I couldn't hug him forever. 

He had to go. 

And I didn't want to make it any harder on him. 

We got to his gate and he left to hit up the bathroom quick and I just cried. 

I had to let it out. 

I wanted to try and get it out before he came back. 

I wanted to keep it together. 

But then I would look over at my Mom. 

She just kept welling up. Her only son. Leaving. Again.

It's just tough. 

 2 minutes later they asked for active military to board. 

Just like in Syracuse I lost my shit. 

I just hugged him and said, "I love you so so much. Please squeeze me."

I wanted him to hug me super tight one last time. 

So he did. 

He got teary eyed but he didn't let the tears fall.

I  apologized for crying and said "I don't mean to make this hard for you."

We walked over to the gate and watched him hand over his ticket. 

Then it happened. 

He turned around, waved, and said "Love you guys." 

And then he was gone. 

I cried and cried in the car until I felt I couldn't cry anymore.

It's weird. 

I feel like if I go over to the house, he should be there. 

He should be down in the basement playing grand theft auto.

But he wont be. 

He's back to work. 

And I can't wait until I see him next.